the count.

I gave a ten year overview of my health troubles.

on a good day I take 34 pills to treat symptoms and to counteract side effects.

on a not so good day I take upwards to 52 pills to continue treatment and to fight the excruciating pain, the nausea, and the headaches.

I don't recommend having to do this.

π, Richard Parker, and normal saline.

my Richard Parker is very similar to the one in the book the Life of Pi. I read that book nearly ten years ago. 

Remember this post?

I'll explain. 

sixth grade, eleven years old, the day after halloween, I was in excruciating pain. 

rushed to a hospital that I grew to know very well. I was given fluids, narcotics, a slew of tests, and sent home with a prescription. 

didn't feel better, once again taken to that hospital the very next evening.

my brother's birthday was on the third, I was taken back to the hospital, not the best gift for my fourteen year old brother. 

I managed another week, I was already sick of the whole ordeal, I just wanted to get back to school. that didn't happen for another two months.

I had my first "procedure" I got a diagnosis: colitis (it gets graphic, to avoid, skip the italics). my bowls, aka, small and large intestines were inflamed. they were lined with blood blisters that when the wall of my intestine was barely touched it would start hemorrhaging (bleeding profusely). it got slightly uncomfortable. no answer. 

I managed to finish sixth grade, barely.

next year, similar pain, no answer.

next year, similar pain, no answer.

next year, worsened pain, no answer.

next year, failing organs, allergic to metal.

junior year I had an interesting experience. by this time I had been dealing with chronic abdominal pain that was unexplainable for five and a half years. I was use to it. one day I was having a very hard time to the point where I couldn't stand, so I knelt down and asked my Heavenly Father for help. I immediately felt like I needed to go see my normal pediatrician. more blood tests, another CT scan, another ultrasound, another uncomfortable hooha look-see. normal-ish. my dear doctor asked my mom and me to come into his office, out of the patient rooms. my only symptom was excruciating pain on my right side of my abdomen. he told us that professionally, as a doctor, he cannot see anything wrong, but he shared with us that the Spirit has prompted him that there is something more going on, and told me that I would be having emergency surgery and he had already sent my tests to a general surgeon. I was taken to the hospital, met with the surgeon, and gave me my options: surgery, another scan, or play the waiting game. I voted for the surgery, his reply, "if a sixteen year old girl is in so much pain that she is asking for surgery, I am going to follow her wishes". I was taken into the OR and prepped. my useless appendix was removed. pathology came back and said that it was a miracle that it hadn't ruptured. it was that infected. it was infected for several months before being removed.  

the year ended strong with being able to compete for bountiful high's track team. I met my best friend biff.

senior year I wasn't going to let anything stop me from enjoying it, not even the boys, I graduated proudly as the VL club president. 

college years sort of blur together, doctors, uncomfortable exams, tests, 104.5 degree fevers, and a lot of hospital hours put in.

january twenty-eleven, I had the opportunity to spend a full week on the eighth floor at LDS hospital, similar symptoms, similar everything. taken into the emergency room late at night, I had a CT scan, I had a urine test, blood work, the whole nine yards. again. I had five times the amount of white blood cells (WBC) than I should have, I had an enlarged spleen, and a kidney infection.  my diagnosis: mononucleosis, splenomegaly, and nephritis. oh and an ovarian cyst ruptured.

the drugs were great, there are videos out there somewhere. I had good company with friends showing up at 2:00am to visit me. I remember laughing so much.

I was out of school for six weeks, oh and I broke up with a boy while on morphine, I highly suggest narcotics for a breakup. if it's legal.


I was fine, until september, once more a hospital stay, this one was only for two days. no answer.

november got graphic. lots and lots of vomiting, I stopped digesting food, it came up barely digested and chunky. I had the pleasure of going to the nuclear medicine area of the hospital, I was injected with a radioactive isotope waited an hour for it to travel to my gallbladder then fell asleep in the HIDA scan. it took an hour of just laying there, do you blame me for falling asleep. taken back down to the emergency room so a doctor could read my scan immediately. diagnosis: gallbladder functioning at 11%. treatment: cholecystectomy.

procedure on wednesday november 30th.

my dad's company had their annual christmas party on that friday, I was invited to be my dear friend's date, his name is Brock, he understood every thing I've gone through health wise. he's in heaven now. I wanted to wear a pretty dress, my mom took me shopping an found a dress that is my favorite one to wear, it's purple and knitted. we went for pizza because we got hungry, that didn't settle with the lack of gallbladder, I was throwing up for hours, I tore something, and was back in the emergency room that night. Brock didn't get to see my dress. I wore it to his funeral.

tried being healthy for as long as I could, I enjoyed playing soccer while on hydrocodone, I got hurt on february 11th.

on the 16th I had an esophagogastroduodenoscopy to see what was going on with my stomach. no answer. 

the next week I became radioactive again, but this time it was a gastric stomach emptying study. I got to eat radioactive eggs. no answer. 

later found out that I had torn my ACL, MCLx2 (same leg), and LCL. I had knee surgery on april 2nd. a cute boy visited me on the 3rd. my sister and brother-in-law were chosen to adopt a baby boy on the 4th. I was out of school for eight months.

I'm currently enrolled to become a scrub, and I'm excelling with 21 credits, but I'm still sick. no answer. but this time it's not holding me back. 

Richard Parker is my favorite stuffed animal that I got when my whole trial started ten years ago he's the tiger I always kept with me, I took him to the hospital, to surgical procedures (he waited in the waiting room) and he currently sits on my bed. he is my comfort.

my trials have not made me chronically unhappy, they have made me learn and now I appreciate the better days. yesterday was hard. today is okay. tomorrow is going to be better. I will always love the fact that I have been given the opportunity to grow in a manner that Heavenly Father seems fit. I know He loves me, I can feel it every single day, and it only gets stronger with the pain and the trials. I am so utterly blessed to have three brothers and father who are worthy priesthood holders who can lay their hands on my head and give me a blessing from Father in Heaven. the Atonement is a beautifully, powerful thing, there have been moments that I have wanted to just die the Savior saved me and took the pain upon him to make it bearable. He has been so present in my life that I know what I go through he is there going through it with me. I couldn't ask for a more special blessing than having Him love me. 

taking sides.

to side with mr. neil gaiman:

"have you ever been in love? horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. the did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."


to side with mr. anonymous:

"if you love someone, tell him or her. forget about the rules or the fear of looking ridiculous. what is truly ridiculous is passing up on an opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested in him or her."

I might be here, but my sarcasm and skepticism takes me there, my fantasy takes me to this, my reality keeps me grounded and gives me an excuse to keep my heart protected.

the minnow & the trout.

hit play.

 

december theme song.

hush hush the world is quiet.

november has been a confusing month, so I've decided to keep it simple with an over played song from my favorite band, neon trees, I still love it no matter how many times the radio has played it in a single day.

animal - neon trees 

11.1.2002 to 11.1.2012

Ten years of a chronic illness.

yolo. no.

yolo is false.

for the uneducated in the current "teen language" yolo stands for "you only live once" I say that is false.  you only die once, you live everyday. teens are so silly in their thinking, psh.

the big saying when I was a teen, which is sadly still popular, was "that's what she said" it's a simple way to make almost any sentence dirty.  I wish I could say that I was one who didn't use it, but sadly I cannot. I will tell you why I don't use it anymore.

my bestest cousin, aimster, is what I call her. well, her and I were on a family trip together up at bear lake. we were walking down to the beach and she said something about a stick and I said "that's what she said" because I had just figured out what it was. she asked me what that actually meant, because she had heard her friends say it and she just didn't understand why it was so popular. in her innocence that she still has, she didn't find the humor in it.  so me being the older of us two I explained that it's just a silly dirty joke. her response will never be forgotten because I like to believe that this moment has made me strive to be a better, more spiritual individual.

she responded with the simple question "how does Heavenly Father feel about dirty jokes?"

man that really got to me, and from there we had a very nice spiritual conversation, she has helped me more than she'll ever know.

so for the eight of you that might read this, take note, that simple actions, questions, and thoughts can take you two ways, closer to Christ, Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost. or to the other guy, I like to call him The Unhappy One.

I know I'm not very good at being a good example, but I sure am trying to be better every day.

dear. mr. robert downey jr.

they say to never meet your heroes. you are kind of my hero, I think. I mean I like the movies that you have been in, well, the majority of them. you are a very handsome man, who has a hilarious sense of hilarity. I admire the fact that you made it through life even though you did drugs and went to rehab you were in prison for a minute, now you are clean and a very successful actor.

so I would like to say you are my hero, but I really would like to meet you so you kind of aren't my hero at the same time. maybe I just like you because you are attractive. even though you are old, like ten years younger than my parents old. no offense mom and dad, I love you, thanks for the 21 years of support.

so mr. robert downey. jr. yes, you have to have the suffix after your name or else you might just be regular mr. robert downey, that just makes you sound like toilet paper. anyway, I just wanted to say that I think you're kinda cool and might be hero worthy, like ironman or something. I'm just worried that on the off chance I run into you in the streets of bountiful that you might be a jerk, stuck-up like a cheerleader, or "too good for other humans". since I fall under the category of "human" unlike the doctor, then you might be too good for me.

I guess I just want to say is you are kind of cool, I guess, if you are into that sort of thing.

from,

kimberly reeder

and the cards all fold.

october has been a month of all emotions. yep.

demons - imagine dragons that's the theme for this month.

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

pardon my blog vomit.

instagram

facebook

flickr

stumbleupon

twitter

blogs

cool story bro. 'nuff said.  

the mind fried, the heart broken, the cross-roads confused.

Heavenly Father has an interesting plan for all of his children.  I cannot imagine the path that is meant for me, which is fine. no one knows what is to come of the future, we may plan all that we like, but it all comes down to the man who loves us enough to give us trials.

"and once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is about." haruki murakami

all I know is that He loves me and I love Him.

perfect couple. instagrammed.

it's fine, I just fell into the norm of popularity. it was either get engaged or get instagram, those seem to be the only two things going on nowadays on the fb, so I chose the lesser of the two commitments.  

I have always had commitment problems, it all started with the piano, it lasted six months, then we broke up. I miss that relationship, it was a good learning experience, I still go back to it every once in a while, but nothing too serious. I love pulling up the bench and following a youtube piano tutorial, or plunking out a hymn, or a violin song that I know by memory. but that's where my true heart lies, with the violin. I need to stop leading the piano on.  

getting on the fb today I now have seven more friends engaged. it may seem like a lot. it is. first off I want to say, congratulations and every other cliché sentiment. back to my new relationship, its fun and refreshing and I get to flaunt it to the world on fb, but I don't feel as cheesy as those who are flaunting the engagements with all the new events like "guess who's tying the knot" or "another wedding address event" or "annoying+whipped=forever!!!"

let me give you a little run down of my new beau's past. instagram is a free photo-sharing program and social network that was launched in October 2010. The service enables users to take a photo, apply a digital filter to it, and then share it with other instagram users they are connected to on the social network as well as on a variety of social networking services. insta(nickname) has over 100 million register users, according to wikipedia. as you can tell insta is the popular/pretty one. 

the picture of nothing that gets "heart liked"

you have the typical
duck face (we added hairy moustaches)
picture with a filter.

and the semi-cute picture with a rounded border to make
look ever more adorable. 

over all I kinda like insta. 

dark to light.

September has been a month of ups and downs.  I can't complain though. Heavenly father loves me and He has shown me more times this month then I ever expected.

There was a very strong darkness that came over me a week ago. I over came it with the help of my Savior, my Father in Heaven, and my constant companion the Holy Ghost.  Of course I will never be able to express how wonderful my family is.

I am doing so well now, my happiness escalates more and more every day.

September theme is Hello, by Evanescence. It's beautiful.

I want a tank.

"I want a tank."
"Well then, why don't you get one?"
"Because they cost several million dollars, not including floormats. I don't have that kind of money"
"Now wait a second, you're a consumer.  You have credit cards, right?"
"Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit card company?  They'll come after me."
"Don't be silly, you have a tank"

for july there can be no judgement, I don't care who you are, but the the theme is - Call Me Maybe....
I know, I know strange, or ridiculous, but I needed pure fun for july and that was it. I fought it as much as I could, but I listened to it over and over and over.

august I think I can redeem myself a little bit, but the theme is Chasing the Sun. The beginning lyrics explain my new relationship, plus the upbeatness of the song just keeps the summer vibes flowing.

these "business cards" came in the mail I don't remember ordering them.

welcome to the planet.

So it's mid-July, I kinda missed my mark for the June theme song. whoops. it was a hard decision, so many to choose from, yet none jumped out at me, until the end of the month. it's older, but a classic, I needed to hear it that day.

boy and his tiger.

Calvin: Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?

Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.

Calvin: (after a long pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.

human settlement of mars in 2023.

Science-fiction is my favorite genre to read, so if this Norwegian company can really make this happen, it would prove that creativity and science is one of the best combinations that man-kind has.

"Mars One will establish the first human settlement on Mars in 2023. A habitable settlement will be waiting for the settlers when they land. The settlement will support them while they live and work on Mars the rest of their lives. Every two years after 2023 an additional crew will arrive, such that there is a real living, growing community on Mars. Mars One has created a technical plan for this mission that is as simple as possible. For every component of the mission we have identified at least one potential supplier. Mars One invites you to join us in this next giant leap for mankind!" -www.mars-one.com.

Science-fiction into non-fiction. All the more power to ya. Atleast these guys will take the chance.  And they want to make it very public, with a television show that follows the astronauts though everything from training to actual settlement. Might be worth watching.

proteigon.

Watch, it's kinda cool. 

may song.

it's june 2nd so it's over due for a [may] theme song. it took all month for this one to come through the wood work, even though it's been around for a very long time. it wasn't until I was driving up 500 south when it came on and it just fueled the fire of my excitement even more of my best friend finally being home.

may - sail - AWOLNATION

I am grateful.

I am so grateful for the priesthood. Having it in my home is the greatest blessing.

find one.

I do want one of these.

piano is a quick way to my heart, but if he can sing too, I might just pursue him.
able to strap in a snowboard and hold his own on the slopes, don't mind if I do too.
Scores at least two goals for me on the soccer field, I can handle that.
tell me that he is a returned missionary, I will be a happy girl.

so I have this thing that I do.

theme. 

each month since january of 2010 I've chosen a song to amplify my feelings for that month. a monthly theme song if you will. I love all the songs on it, even the ones that were killed by the mind-numbing radio.  some of these songs remind me of special people in my life.  some on the list few people have heard them. they all are me. my taste. one song I would even listen to when leaving my school with my headphones in because the beat and musicality of it made it fun to make that long walk off campus, I may or may not have imagined things blowing up in the background as I walked away. May of 2011 song reminds me of italy, where I first heard it, before it was big in america. they are all compiled onto a playlist on my iPod. 

some songs I pick early in the month, others were chosen on the last day, it just depends on how things go.


if you are curious to why I chose certain songs for specific months, I will tell you. I remember why each was chosen. So just ask. I dare ya.

each month I shall post the new song on the playlist. here is april.

femoral nerve blockers are a must.

 It was important to me that the surgeon knew which leg to operate on.

I dig the TED hose. I love hospital gowns, plus they make me look hot... 

I was given a femoral nerve blocker, which in essence made my leg numb. It's still numb, which is awesome so I don't have to take the narcotics...yet.

 When all is said and done, I still claim my legs are sexy, even with the new cuts and screws.

impact part one.

Biff - Best friend, you are always needed up in Bountiful, but I understand that Ephraim takes priority currently. Temple walks are a must, especially with summer coming.
Abrecia - The girls in Logan no longer have a chance, you are beautiful. Make those boys fall.
Amy, Aimster - You have taught me more things in life than you'll ever understand. Plus you turned 18 today, since you are beautiful I plan on introducing you to all of my guy friends.
Luke - 62 days, I'm not counting, I swear.
Brandon - First date I ever went on was with you. It was a great evening. HSM, T&G Forever.
Jo - You are the best sister that I could ask for, you make me stronger because of your example.
Nick - Ever since I was little I always looked up to you, literally and figuratively. You are a great older brother.
Jon - We fought, we played, we're siblings. I'm happy you are my older brother, because we talk and understand each other.
Dan - No one better for my sister than you. And of course "what about Dan?"
Niki - You are sweet and feisty and perfect for my brother.
Alli - I've know you longer than my brother has, but I guess it's okay if you marry him. Alright you must marry him, so we can vacation together.
Steven - You come home soon, we were best friends before you left, I better get some quality time when you get home. I mean it.
Kristin - Penguin, pizza fairy, so awesome.
Kevin - It's not my fault, somebody put a wall in my way. 'nuff said.
Jeff - Mohawk Jeff, I wish you weren't moving.
Tyson - What's up buttercup. Never gets old.
Collin - Husband. Work will never be the same when you leave to be a full-time marine.
Ty - You taught me a very important skill.
Maggie - My music collection no longer suffers, my ears thank you.
Mike - I enjoy our conversations.
Erik - Pushing your buttons is fantastic.
James - You are the most adorable 19 year old. I'm jealous of the girl who gets you in the end.
Max - B99 3EZ
Kevin - Epic hugs from far away. I don't use epic loosely.
Josh - Your giggle is important to me.
Alex - Sigma is my favorite, and you were my favorite Sigma. The girl who has you is so very lucky.
Curtis - Yellow motorcycle is missed.
Garrett - First crush, and longest friend.
Josh - Saved me from the high jump.
Lindsay - My tall, blonde, smart, designer, and never boring.
Alex - Sixth grade dance, you told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the room.
Kolby - You probably don't remember eighth grade english, but I do.
Cache - Scales and orchestra. Nothing can beat a great stand partner.
Marlee - Friended me when I needed friends.
Andrea - You saved me from heartache, so many flippin' times.
Michelle - Concerts and drama were always entertaining, and made great memories.
Griffin - Telling me to come over when I'm on the verge of tears is all a girl needs sometimes.
Andrew - The ice is amazing.
Kent - Bold boy, very bold boy.

The little things count.

overrated.

sometimes I post about my surgical endeavors.

sometimes I post about my attire.

sometimes I post about stomach.

sometimes I post about a boy, or five.

I think all of that is pointless because none of it is going to change anything.

one surgery is over, I'll be getting another on monday, big deal -- nah.

my attire changes about as much as I change my clothes -- four times a day.

my stomach is awesome -- It's cute and pink like it should be. I think.

boys -- not important currently, other than friendship, even that is almost overrated.

p.s. money - tithing, $75 towards savings per pay check (car), then the rest goes towards target's color fashion. I love what they have done.
my life --  1. church
                 2. car
                 3. clothes

all the weaknesses a girl needs. 

good work.

two years in a row I have decided to make life difficult during tax season, because my mom is a tax rep.

last year I was in the hospital for a week because I was lucky  enough to get mononucleosis, causing my spleen to almost rupture due to enlargement, plus a cyst rupturing and having some sort of infection in my kidney. whabam four months of awesomeness.

this year I started early with my gallbladder malfunctioning and getting it removed. I had awesome issues all through january and february.  One day at work, playing soccer, I got aggressive with a guy who in turn pushed back and my left knee snapped.  One month of rehab and I am back up to 75% speed with no problem running. Running forward that is. saturday I was given the okay to play soccer again, with my doctor playing on my team.  I tried running backwards to turn to get the ball from someone, and just fell over. The guy was slightly confused to what happened.  Today I went to a great orthopedic surgeon and he looked at my knee and tried to find the "snap" and didn't feel one, therefore, my anterior cruciate ligament - ACL - is torn.

april 2, 2012 I will get it surgically fixed, and I am putting my soccer cleats in storage.

Model knee with the ACL showing (mine is unattached)

Swollen and taped knee.

. Playing with the knee model.

I carried a watermelon.

the love of my life is dead.

mr. swayze died of pancreatic cancer, I know, I know this is very old news and he might be old enough to be my dad. in fact he is old enough to be my dad. at 10:35 in the am mind you, I started watching dirty dancing for the first time.  in this movie he is not too old for me, therefore I can love him.  end of discussion.

I have decided to protest against solid food for the next 26 hours.  pure liquid diet. no I do not think I am fat.  I just want to try it out, I did it once when I was eleven so I figured it's high time I try it again... and it has nothing to do with the fact that I have to have surgery tomorrow. fine that is a lie, it has everything to do with my surgery and I am not even sure if I can call it surgery, 

I am having an endoscopy aka an esophagogastroduodenoscopy (EGD).  alright all you medical minds out there break it down.

esophago- esophagus 

gastro- stomach

duodeno- duodenum 

-scopy- scope, camera, "let's have look inside of her" 

you will now have to excuse me, I paused the movie 18 minutes in to blog, now Patrick is pestering me to push play.  

show and tell.

If you love someone, tell him or her.  Forget about the rules or the fear of looking ridiculous.  What is truly ridiculous is passing up on an opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested in him or her.

punishment.

I want to kiss a boy. Not just any boy.